ron white one liners

The next time you have a thought... let it go. I don't even have a high school diploma. It just takes a little effort. He said that raising cattle was bad for the planet -- with cow flatulence in the ozone and the clearing of land for the raising of cattle. Ron White: It never dawned on me that I had the option of becoming a comedian. And actually the harder you work as a writer, the better you get at it. Ron White. Clever one-liners to have on-hand 15. Best One Liners Ever. Then I got hooked on scotch, and if you get hooked on scotch, then everything else just tastes wrong. Other states are trying to abolish the death penalty... mine's putting in an express lane. A list of some of the best 'one-liner' Churchill quotes Searching the internet will return hundreds of short quotes attributed to Winston Churchill–many of which are incorrect. 'No, I watch a man and a woman making love.' BrainyQuote has been providing inspirational quotes since 2001 to our worldwide community. People are saying that I'm an alcoholic, and that's not true, because I only drink when I work, and I'm a workaholic. If we were able to steal a glance at the old grade-school and junior-high report cards of some of today’s funniest comedians, it’s likely that we’d see teacher comments about their “behavioral problems.” He goes, 'Yeah, I love porn. Diamonds - that'll shut her up... for a minute! Make us laugh and we’ll add your best 1 liner to the main ADDucation one line jokes list. I was fascinated with the fact that every syllable made it funny, and I would laugh even though I didn't know what any of it meant. Share These Hilarious Memes With Your Close Friends and Relatives To Make Them Laugh Also and Make Smile On Everyone’s Face. White, if you'll just come on back here, we'll show you how to do this, and next time, you don't have to bring in the dog. I put it in my live show. I only have four scenes, but I have as much dialogue as anybody in the movie. I just don't understand it. Ron White Stand Up Jokes Paul Merton’s 36 best jokes and funniest one-liners from Have I Got News for You 38 of the funniest cat jokes and memes Jeremy Hardy: remembering the comedian’s funniest jokes … You wanna get the truth out of me, get me hammered. 1 talking about this. You know that.' I work hard at it, but it's addicting, really. I went out last night, and I got back at the hotel at 7:30 this morning. I mean, I have Attention Deficit Disorder and another learning disability I can't even spell. Other states are trying to abolish the death penalty... mine's putting in an express lane. As long as I stay engaged with everybody else, then I'll create more comedy. You got another one coming around, don't you? My fans bought her a very nice house in San Antonio, and she has a great life. I write more now than ever. I've got a role in the new Billy Bob Thornton movie that Billy Bob wrote and is going to direct called 'Jayne Mansfield's Car.' Best One Liners The Best 1 Line Jokes of All-Time. That makes me relevant. The funniest and best jokes about zombies, plus zombie apocalypse one-liners and the finest undead puns. Texas, Use, Death Penalty. Commit them to memory, and you'll have your friends laughing so hard they won't even remember why the conversation had lagged in the first place.. Funny Time Go. “We’re all gay, it’s just to what extent are you gay.” He says, “That’s bullshit, man, I ain’t gay at all!” I laughed 'til I thought I was just gonna throw up. In Texas, we have the death penalty and we use it. With these best one liners ever, you can find yourself laughing like a crazed hyena. Television is 15 hour days. Ron White. The bulk of my fans are my age, and I'm aging at the same rate they are. The same as you I suppose," she replied. Which is not that easy to do. He doesn't give solicited advice. I believe that a bad Super Bowl halftime show is still better than a soccer game. Ron White Stand Up Jokes. I'm like, 'Alright. Mother, she likes the blue material just fine. he asked. Pace, rhythm and timing. © I’m Ron F***ing Swanson.” ... Red Dwarf: 30 of the funniest quotes and one-liners Derry Girls: 35 of the funniest quotes and one-liners 25 of the most cantankerous Martin Crane quotes from Frasier Relax, we've got your back. The 30 Funniest Movie One-Liners of All Time "What is this, a center for ants?" The lady goes, 'Mr. There are two kinds of comics; there are the ones who build bridges, and then there are the people who walk across the bridges as though they built them. 16. These Ron White Memes Will Make You Laugh All Day. I had to put my foot down. It was for drainage purposes. When I was 20, I used to go around telling stories, and I knew where I was comfortable - onstage, talking, making 'em laugh and listen to the weirdest things. One of the funniest, and probably controversial jokes from Ron White shines light on how we are all a little bit gay. My biggest pet peeve, I guess, is other comedians criticizing Larry the Cable Guy. Here are 60 funny, clever, and oh-so-smart one-liners that are perfect for any occasion. It's like watching paint dry. Stupid is forever. Whatever falls … 2)Be kind to each other. I didn't get where I am today by worryin' about how I'd feel tomorrow. It's a lot of traveling. Prove it.' I liked being the center of attention. I have a friend. Ron White White God The Cable Guy Funny One Liners Comedy Clips Kathy Griffin Hysterically Funny Cant Fix Stupid Stand Up Comedians Ron White: You Can't Fix Stupid (2006) - IMDb Directed by Michael Drumm. I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party. So that's all I ever strived to do was get some recognition from my peers. Donald Trump - and I don't dislike Donald one single bit - has no idea how good the Mexican people are at building tunnels. By Sarah Crow. I could do no wrong in my mother's eyes from the day I was born. One Liners Source unknown No person can ever be happy until he has learned to enjoy what he has and not to worry over what he does not have. But I don't understand a lot of things. Narrowing down this list to just ten was extremely hard to do. All sorted from the best by our visitors. They like hearing what I have to say. 'No, the next one. Q: When do zombies go to sleep? There have been times in my life that I've had a ton of vices, and my demons have run amok for years and years and years. It doesn't mean people don't want to hear it anymore; it means I don't want to do it anymore. "Nothing in life is so exhilarating as to be shot at without result." I was there for three days. He goes, 'Fine. Other states are trying to abolish the death penalty... mine's putting in an express lane. He keeps trying to convince me he’s a compulsive liar, but I … White, it's past 7:00.' Funny One-Liners. My opening acts are always really strong because I need a guy who can take on a big, big crowd. Do you like porn?' I almost had to turn it off. Regardless, one-liners are part of every…Continue reading → If you come to Texas and kill somebody, we will kill you back. Movies are boring. Absolutely hilarious one liners! That's the beauty of being a straight-to-DVD star. 13. There's not a pill you can take; there's not a class you can go to. The way my brain processes information is quite odd. The bridge builders are few and far between. "What'll you have?" Movies are 18 hour days. Stupid Go Forever. Here we examine a list of Churchill's best 'one-liners' throughout his life. From life lessons that bear repeating to meme-ified lines that have become part of our cultural lexicon, these hilarious movie one-liners are … I started selling out comedy clubs before I got to town with no advertising. I go to more open mic nights than open mikers. I went up to the desk to leave a wake-up call for 7:00. Yet I've tried to make it as inclusive as possible, highlighting some of the best of the genre. 2. I was selling out theaters just on the rumor that I was going to be there. I'm like, 'Yeah you are, and I'll prove it to you.' "Oh, I don't know. No matter who it offends, or who it bothers - doesn't matter if its something my wife hates. It's just horrible. So, not only was Jeff responsible for my success in my career, he also introduced me to the woman who I'm going to spend the rest of my life with, which, I think, makes us even. Anything I write that I consider stage-quality work, I won't give my TV show. 14. There was not a lot trouble to get into in that ditch. 34 Copy quote. My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I just try to keep it fresh without sacrificing funny. It really helps you stay under the media's radar. However you can have your say by sharing your best one liners in the comments below. Discontentment makes rich men poor, while contentment makes poor men rich. I've got a great cigar collection - it's actually not a collection, because that would imply I wasn't going to smoke every last one of 'em. I've got a great cigar collection - it's actually not a collection, because that would imply I wasn't going to smoke every last one of 'em. I did a little role in a movie, and it was eight lines. And then I found that you could actually go on a diet and drink scotch. If you're ever walking down the beach and you see a girl dressed in a bikini made out of seashells, and you pick her up and hold her to your ear, you can hear her scream. – Ron White. If you come to Texas and kill somebody, we will kill you back. “I Had the Right to Remain Silent...But I Didn't Have the Ability”, p.137, Penguin. There's no backlog of people we can fire for no reason and act as if they don't exist. I'll talk to him.' I do live like a rock star, but it's not as great as it sounds. But I work harder now because I have so much more exposure. Firearm Discussion and Resources from AR-15, AK-47, Handguns and more! If I'm not in the theatre, I'm in an open mic night or doing a guest set at the Comedy Club, or whatever, just trying to develop stuff. Ron White. 'Alright, honey, I'm sorry. The next time you have a thought... let it go. The veterinarian had the audacity to say to me, 'Mr. If I see someone out there mouthing the words to a bit, I'm not having fun. When I was a kid, mostly I played in a ditch that didn't have much water in it. Put the dog on the phone. 'Do you like the guy to have a small, half-flaccid penis?' A: A nun being eaten by zombies. They can also focus decision-making. By Sarah Crow. A collection of some of the greatest one-liners from famous people such as Ellen DeGeneres, Donald Trump and Oprah Winfrey. You wanna get the truth out of me, get me hammered. Our list of the best one line jokes of all time are curated by the bunch of comedians that make up the ADDucation team. He's a friend of mine, and, no, he doesn't give me any advice. I'm smart, but you can't prove it on paper. The hardest that I've laughed at a movie was probably Team America. It's like anything else. —1898 "I object… The first thing I ever got my hands on was Andy Griffith's 'What It Was, Was Football.' I asked him. The trouble with children is that when they're not being a lump in your throat, they're being a pain in your neck. It's a tricky thing to do, and it takes a lot of work. My favorite bands are the Allman Brothers and Red Hot Chili Peppers. You can tell on-stage when a joke's starting to lose its pop. And I don't even know what that means, but I kinda like the way it sounds. All rated by visitors and sorted from the best. It's just when I shut off and stay at home... What helps me is just to keep moving. An angry wife was complaining about her husband spending all his free time in a bar, so one night he took her along with him. Because I want to move on to something that has a knee-jerk reaction just like you get when you tell somebody a joke that they've never heard. You can teach somebody how to be a brain surgeon, but you cannot teach them how to walk on a stage and make people laugh. As a small child, I could watch anything happen and tell a story, and it was funny. I went to buy some camo pants but couldn’t find any. Life in Lubbock, Texas taught me two things: One is that God loves you and you're going to burn in hell; the other is that sex is the most awful, filthy thing on earth, and you should save it for someone you love. I have a genuine problem, and you're being sarcastic.' So, the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw his down in one … I've gathered some of my close musical and comedian friends, and we're going to see if we can't bring a few laughs to these soldiers, raise some money, and hopefully lift their spirits. Ron White (2007). You can just bring in the semen.' Quotes and One Liners humorous one-liners, quotations, last words, Murphy's Laws & more See more ideas about ron white, quotes white, quotes. There have been times in my life that I've had a ton of vices, and my demons have run amok for years and years and years. In Texas, we have the death penalty, and we use it. The knock on them is that they can oversimplify and create only an illusion of an understanding. I love Cincinnati, but you can keep that spaghetti chili product! I hear they're running two a day through New York City.' He was also funny, so I'm very 'preacher-ish' on stage, not by intent but because that's where I learned to talk in front of people. It was ditch activities like catching crawdads and minnows. Why are you a vegetarian?' She don't even see me coming. I don't like to do burnt material on stage. Diamonds - that'll shut her up... for a minute! Ron White (2007). She goes, 'That's just like you, Ron. I consider it an honor and a privilege to give back however I can for the many sacrifices of these incredibly brave men and women. 'That's OK. You go ahead and jack off the dog. Jokes4us.com Privacy Policy. See TOP 10 men one liners. Ron White offering some fresh one-liners, heading to the Michigan Theater Ron White comes to the Michigan Theater this weekend. It's a muscle you have to exercise. He follows me around too much as it is.' A list of top ten one-liners could be made exclusively from a single movie like Tombstone or The Outlaw Josey Wales. now = new Date(); year = now.getYear(); Pace, rhythm and timing is what it's about. If you ever miss one, it's because the bullet's moving too fast. “I do a lot of gay-friendly stuff in my show, and men, women, they all love it. Margo and I are proof that you can make this work. One-liners are very short statements that purport to capture the essence of a situation. I'm not the judge of who that is, but I am a believer that no debt in the universe goes unpaid. See TOP 10 witty one-liners. You Can Also Use Our Social Buttons To Share Specific Images On Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, StumbleUpon, Digg, Whatsapp etc. Children are like wet cement. Even though my crowd loves to hear me do old stuff, I don't like to do old stuff. June 1, 2018. The largest collection of the best one line jokes in the world. This is the fan page for veteran comedian Geechy Guy. The Ultimate List Of Zombie Jokes, Puns & One-Liners. I call her. I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party. 'I'm eating the cow.' Death Trying Lane. He goes, 'That's bullsh*t. I ain't gay at all.' Anybody could say anything they want about me, and it literally never penetrates my skin. I've asked these guys in rock bands with all the 18-wheelers driving to the venue how they make money. I was considered by my peers to be a good comedian. Ron White. A: When they are dead tired. if (year<1900) {year+=1900} document.write(year); I went out last night, and I got back at the hotel at 7:30 this morning. Vegas is famous for a lot of things, and bad marriages are one of them. I'm like, 'Do you only watch scenes with two women together?' My brain is like a cross between a colander and a Lazy Susan - thin, slow, and it leaks. Absolutely hillarious men one-liners! People are saying that I'm an alcoholic, and that's not true, because I only drink when I work, and I'm a workaholic. My uncle was a preacher, and I used to go watch him preach. And it wasn't even because meat is bad for you. There were years when I was a beer and tequila guy, then I got real fat. Slow the bullet down to 55 miles an hour, put some headlights and a little horn on it -- the deer will actually jump in front of the bullet. Listen to me when I tell you this: we're all gay; it's just to what extent are you gay. That's right. I've got a great cigar collection - it's actually not a collection, because that would imply I wasn't going to smoke every last one of 'em. The largest collection of men one-line jokes in the world. 1. He goes, 'No, I like big, hard, throbbing c**ks.' Barbara was actually Jeff Foxworthy's interior designer when we first met. She tells me my dog, Sluggo, just took a dump on the new carpet. June 06, 2018 6:00 AM. Q: What is black, white and red all over? And it's 18 hours of doing not a thing. If I'm in a town for very long, usually I'll work out in the comedy club just to keep my chops or work out the beats on new stuff. 'What are you doing to help the environment?' Moreover, they can always help you avoid silly moments of silence when you’re with your friends. One Liners Sources unknown A small child is someone who can wash his hands without getting the soap wet. So I do very, very little of it. I had the right to remain silent... but I didn't have the ability. He's probably the best comedian who ever lived. When I was about 12 years old back in Houston, my Dad used to take us to the driving range. Why don't you just put me on that one? “Everybody I know is a joke writer.” – Ron White. I had no shoes and complained until I met a man who had no feet. Jul 21, 2014 - Explore Renee Lindsey's board "Ron White Quotes" on Pinterest. June 1, 2018. Diamonds - that'll shut her up... for a minute! Don't bring your kids to my show, and I won't come to your house and cuss. I'm like, 'Shoot him.' The content's got to be great, but then it's got to be delivered. “I loved listening to laughter even as a little kid.” – Ron White. We are glad you’re … Somebody the other day had a review, called me 'America's reprobate.' Here's how I operate. Quarantine lessons from Papa Ron: 1) How to roll a proper joint. If you try to buy early, you'll pay late. Stupid is forever. At their best, they can bring clarity and precision to complexity and confusion. I was desperate for new material, so anything I can write a joke about that works is in the act. When I see something I like, 20 years later, I ask her brother for her phone number. One-Liners Our funny one-liner jokes are short, sweet and make you laugh. I really understood a lot more about comedy after listening to Bill Hicks, who died at 32 years old. I practice non-judgment in my daily life and hope other people do the same thing.” – Ron White. Although you can't say that because of Carlin, Cosby and Pryor. It could be made entirely of John Wayne or Clint Eastwood quotes. Buy, Sell, and Trade your Firearms and Gear. I don't do talk shows or go on Dr. Phil's show.

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